An Englishman’s home may be his castle, but the place where he can really be himself is his shed!
We moved house a couple of years back, and while we were still largely living out of boxes, one of the first jobs I had lined up was building my shed – it was on the go for a couple of weeks, but my son and I finally finished it.
A shed is a multi-purpose building – not only is it a place to store your tools, but it is also a place to hide from the wife, and her ever-increasing list of things that need doing with those tools.
And this is a problem, because an Englishman’s relationship with his tools is… complicated.
An Englishman will spend hours lovingly sorting through his tools, arranging them in the perfect order, or finding the perfect storage solution for each one – he just doesn’t plan on ever… you know, USING them!
To be honest, he hasn’t a clue what half of them are for, or how to use them, but they are right there, just waiting for the moment they are needed.
Which, hopefully, will never happen.
The average Englishman dreams of this moment, the way the average middle-aged Manchester United fan dreams of that moment where, 2-1 down at home with 5 minutes to go, Fergie* stands at the edge of his box, looking out at the pitch, before turning to look at the stands full of fans behind him, pondering, before pointing at you – yes, YOU – you are the only hope, and as you pull on that hallowed shirt, and Fergie tells you what to do, the fans behind you start singing your name…
There are all sorts of legal reasons why this couldn’t happen, and Fergie retiring more than a decade ago sort of throws a spanner in the works, but you’ve convinced yourself it could still happen, dammit!
And that is how an Englishman feels about his tools, ready to be used at a moment’s notice, if not for the fact that you’re a complete dumbass who wouldn’t have a clue where to start on even the easiest job – at best, you know enough to be dangerous.
And that is why an Englishman’s shed is so important – it’s a place where he can dream big dreams, while hoping against hope that those dreams don’t ever come true.
There was one time I had a few days off, and had a couple of jobs planned around the house that required power tools.
What those jobs were isn’t important, let’s just say that there were things barely attached to the living room wall, as well as my daughter’s bedroom, that I couldn’t take off due to stripped screws.
I figured out what I did wrong, and how to fix it (it involved a trip to B&Q on my way home from work, and maybe a tenners worth of parts).
The problem was precisely what I thought it was, and was solved with a couple of quids worth of gear (to go with the other tools I bought – see above about collecting tools I neither need, nor know how to use!) and a few minutes moving furniture out of the way and waving power tools around in a vaguely non-threatening manner, but I had a major wobble, and my confidence in my abilities ended up shot.
As I pointed out to my wife, this is exactly why our relationship with our tools (and, by extension, our sheds) is so complicated – successfully completing a handful of simple jobs makes us over confident, then utter failure at something marginally more difficult throws us for a loop.
We love our tools, but don’t want to use them!
There are still jobs I need to do, but they can wait until after Christmas – they have waited long enough, already!
In the meantime, everything is stored snugly in my shed, which I enjoy looking at through the kitchen window, and that’s as close as I want to get to it right now.
Some people thought that this was going to be a Man Cave (possibly including my wife!), but no, that is what the spare bedroom is for – it has heating and power, and a strong WiFi signal, and a window with sunlight and a nice view, and ready access to the loo – none of which the shed has.
Not to mention that I don’t have to get dressed to go out – I can just roll out of bed and slob my way into my rather comfy chair wearing nothing more than my boxers, and I’m not going to frighten the neighbours!
No, the Man Cave (AKA The Office, AKA Mission Control, AKA The Bat-Cave, AKA The Studio) is far more comfortable (and warm!) than the little outdoor room at the bottom of the garden that is filled with tools I plan on never using, if I can possibly get away with it.
StuartB
*Fergie – Sir Alex Ferguson, legendary manager at Manchester United from 1986-2013.
